When Bear met Skryker

I did indeed remember what I wanted to say. Thank heavens, the vertigo is gone!

It's been 12 years now since I first met Bear (another thing to make me feel old, lol!) and so it seemed like a good time to talk about how we got together. We celebrated 10 years together earlier this year, so we must have gotten something right!

This will likely be a very long post as it's a long story. And it may seem somewhat scandalous, too. *blushes* I'll keep it PG, don't worry. Some details are not for public display.

When I first met Bear, he had just started dating a friend of mine. Juicy detail! I know that sounds bad. Stick with me, I'll explain. She had known him through a mutual friend before he got married and liked him so she went after him once he was divorced. She felt strongly enough to want him to meet her other friends and vice versa, so I went with her one day to drop in on him for coffee.

To be very honest I was not expecting much. Not only had I already seen the type of guy she normally dated, but I was used to not liking the guys my friends dated. Just seemed to happen that way. He opened his door and I got a glimpse of blue, blue eyes before he put on sunglasses to deal with a hangover. I was not impressed at first until he explained that he was hung over because he hated giving up his daughter so much after weekends that he ended up drinking to dull the pain. Maybe not the best way to deal but hardly the worst reason in the world for drinking, either. And he had the grace to be completely embarrassed about it, too.

So, OK. I was reserving judgement for the time being. I was favorably impressed by his apartment-clean but not fussy, lots of plants everywhere and toys and stuff making his fatherhood evident. I decided that I liked him when he casually picked up the toys with no sign of embarrassment or wanting to cover up the fact that he had a kid. We had coffee and talked for a bit and I found out he had a wicked sense of humour and a quick wit. Better still!

So she and I left and I told her I liked him and thought he'd be good for her. Seemed like a nice guy (a big change from her usual romantic partners!). I was happy for her. I figured that was that.

Bear and I got to be friendly through hanging out in a group. He got added to my usual group, and I played third wheel sometimes or joined their mutual group of friends. I was in the process of getting my heart kicked around by a guy that I had no business dating (for the second time-sigh!) since we were so unsuited to each other. Or I was chasing someone who would never be more than a friend no matter how much I thought I wanted more. I was sort of bouncing in between them. My self esteem was more than a little battered but Bear was a friendly ear when I needed to vent or ask wtf was wrong with guys anyhow?! He was, in my group of friends' parlance, gender-neutral. Just a friend so the fact that he was a guy was irrelevant.

He moved in with her the following spring-he lived in a smaller town nearby and needed to come to the city to look for work, so it seemed to make sense that they cohabitate. And she promised to make an effort with his daughter even though she hated kids. Seemed promising for them. I already had the habit of spending lots of time at her place but when I mentioned cutting back so that they could have more time together, she wouldn't hear of it. And so my dubious status of third wheel persisted. I did back off though. I'm not totally insensitive!

By the summer, things were starting to fall apart for them-she was making him have his weekends with his daughter at his mother's house because she couldn't stand having the kid around (!!!!) and she casually mentioned to me one day that they weren't having sex because she didn't feel like it. Oddly, she didn't seem to see this as a problem...and was surprised that her friends did. We "were on his side" of the issue. They were living together; he did have a right to expect certain things after all! If all he wanted was a room mate, he could have stayed in his town. I felt really bad for him, and was confused by my shifting loyalties.

Here's where things get interesting: I was at their place hanging out, when she had to go out for a couple of hours. I was going to leave but they both asked me to stay and hang out with Bear. OK. No problem! So I was bending his sympathetic ear, complaining about how sick of playing "come here-go away" and wondering out loud if I was really that repulsive or something, when his brain betrayed him (as he puts it, lol!). He meant to offer comforting nothings to me, but what he said was "I don't think you're repulsive at all! In fact, if I was free I'd be chasing you."

.....

!!!!!!!!! He looked horrified, I was stunned and I choked out "Gee, thanks!" and then we sat there in awkward silence for a bit. Bear told me later he thought he'd really messed up and offended me. Instead, I was stunned because with one statement, he went from gender-neutral, just one of the guys to a man I was very aware of as a man. Gulp! The whole atmosphere in the apartment had changed and it was very charged. But I wasn't offended at all. On the contrary, it was the nicest thing a guy had said to me in ages. And I liked it. Now what?

Repression, that's what! Never happened. Nope. Business as usual.

Yeah, right. About a week later I confided in my friend M. (he of the witchy comment in a previous post) what had happened, and his response surprised me. He thought about it for a minute and said, "Yeah, I could really see you two working as a couple." Oh, thanks! That really helps me with the dilemma that I'm seriously attracted to a friend's live-in boyfriend. *roll eyes*

(and if you read this M. you know I love you! And you know you really did help me out. By the way, was there something else you were going to say that day? It seemed like it and I've always wondered!)

Things got buried and repressed for a time-I went back to chasing Mr I don't know what I want, Bear tried to fix his relationship. It wasn't easy being with them, but I managed it. I wanted them to be happy. I really did. It just wasn't in the cards, though. They were in a bad place-she had outright banned his kid from "her" apartment, she refused to drive him to his mother's for visitations and was begrudging the price of the bus ticket, and they still weren't having sex. In fact, she proudly told me, right in front of him, that she had made him agree to not even bring the subject up at all. Bear was miserable, grumpy and walking around at night, punching street signs and lampposts. Not at all good.

In fact, it had become very obvious to everyone (except her) that he needed to leave. You can't fix what the other person won't even acknowledge is broken. For his kid and for himself, he needed out. At the same time, it was becoming noticeable to others that the only times he seemed happy were when I was around. Oh, boy. And I had another mutual friend point out to me one day that I lit up when he was around. So, of course we were both denying it to anyone who asked. And trust me, the subject never, ever came up between Bear and I. No way!

It was a painfully uncomfortable time. I had to constantly examine my motives and I refused to give advice to either of them because I didn't want to think that I might be acting out of self interest. After a night out, I said to my room mate at the time, J. something about how screwed up it was that I'd met the perfect guy for me but he was dating my good friend. J. laughed and laughed. I figured that Bear had said something to him because the two guys often went out for coffee and such, but I also knew J. wouldn't tell me. Turns out that the day before that, Bear had confided that he thought he was dating the wrong friend! That's the kind of good friend J is -he never broke either of our confidences. He did reserve the right to be highly amused by it all though.

Bear did leave her finally. It was terrible and rough and crappy. She stopped talking to me because I knew that he was going to leave and didn't tell her. What could I do? He asked me not to say anything until he told her it was over. By that time, I knew that I was only going to be able to keep one friend out of this breakup and I had chosen Bear. Not because I thought we'd end up together-I thought for a long time that there was no way that would ever happen. He was a better, less selfish friend to me.

But he did ask me out after he left her. And I said yes. He moved out in February, we started dating in March and I moved in with him in June. 10 years later I don't regret it one bit. What I do regret is that she got hurt, I regret that my friendship with her was unsalvagable and I wish I could have handled things with her better. She spent the first little while after he left playing the victim with everyone, saying she had no idea he was unhappy or was going to leave. And then when she found out we were dating, she knew all along that there was something going on between us and it was all my fault.

For the record, absolutely nothing happened between us while he was still with her. Not so much as a kiss. Not even when it was so clear their relationship was toast. We both knew that he had to be completely free before anything happened or it would never work. And it was worth waiting for. So worth it!